Review: If I Stay by Gayle Forman

Synopsis

Seventeen-year-old Mia is in love with classical music. She’s dating a boy no one ever thought would be interested in her. She lives with her mom, dad, and brother Teddy, until one day they decide to take a drive and tragedy strikes. Oregon has been stricken with what they believe is a horrendous snow storm: a light dusting. But it’s enough for local schools to be cancelled. The happy family is going to visit some friends when they are struck by a truck that is going 60 miles per hour. Mia wakes up, or at least she thinks she does, to find her parents have been killed. It’s not until she sees her own very gravely injured body that she realizes that she isn’t as lucky as she had thought.

The story follows Mia from the accident site to the hospital, where she is then helicoptered to another hospital, undergoes surgeries, and remains in the ICU. Teddy remains at the previous hospital, whereWillow, the woman who the family was going to visit, works as a nurse. It is unclear whether or not Teddy will survive, which is almost too much to bare for Mia after losing both of her parents. The story continues as Mia’s Gran and Gramps, other family members, best friend, and boyfriend all come to visit. Mia realizes that she is having an out-of-body experiences and that she is there to decide whether to continue on living without her family, or to die and possibly be reunited with them.

Thoughts

I thought this was a great book. Firstly, Mia’s family is what most people would call “alternative”, having a punkish background. Mia herself is labeled almost as the rebel of the family because she loves classical music and has chosen to play the cello instead of the guitar or drums, like her father does in his band. Despite these differences, Mia and her family are extremely close and it is easy to feel the love they have for each other.

About half of the story is flashbacks of Mia’s life, from stories about her birth, to the birth of her brother, to playing the cello, to meeting her boyfriend Adam. The reader gets a sense of why she loves the cello and how music has brought her family closer together as well as brought hero Adam.

Throughout the story, Mia has to first accept the choice that she must make, and then choose which path to take. At the beginning, I really wanted her to choose to live, but as the book went on, I could actually understand why she would choose to pass on and be with her family. She has to make the hardest decision of her life. Either choice not only leaves her with some advantages (seeing her parents and possibly her brother again vs seeing her boyfriend, friends, extended family, and living out her life) but with some pretty devastating consequences (not being able to live out her life vs. living as an orphan). I really felt for Mia because of these consequences. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose all of your family like she did, or the guilt that the truck driver now has to live with for the rest of his life.

On a lighter note, I thought Adam’s determination to see his girlfriend was very sweet. He obviously loves Mia very much and the reader can definitely see it in his desperation to see her. This also gives site to an issue that many loved ones have when faced with such a tragedy: who is allowed to see patients when they are in critical care? Should just the immediate family be allowed? Or should all loved ones, such as extended family, best friends, and significant others be allowed too? In this book, the former is enforced. It doesn’t seem fair, and you can feel the anguish that the others feel when not allowed to visit Mia.

SPOILERS!!!

After Mia has been in the ICU for several hours, Willow arrives at the hospital, thus letting Mia know that Teddy has passed away. This is understandably devastating for Mia, because as she says, he is extremely young and will never experience so many thing that she and other people have. This thought is almost too much for Mia to bare, and she becomes so distraught in her out-of-body state (I’m still not exactly sure what to call where or what she is) that she causes her physical self to deteriorate and need more surgery. After this, her mental state continues to decline and she resigns herself to the fact that she has decided to let herself go and be with her parents and Teddy. Her anguish at the unjustness of the whole affair was enough to convince me that this might actually be the best idea for her.

One of the things that convinces Mia that it is okay to die is the way her Gramps talks to her. He is not a very talkative person (as shown in multiple flashbacks), but when he visits her (alone), he tells her that it is okay if she wants to leave, and that he will understand. This scene almost  did me in, but I managed to keep it together, thankfully.

I really loved seeing the love that Mia’s friends have for her, especially the lengths they are willing to go to see her and help Adam see her. Her friends, as well as strangers, ban together to help Adam get into the ICU. Even though they use nonconventional tactics, the tactics are true to their punk rocker selves when one starts belting out a song and others form a wall around Adam and try to create a diversion so he can get in Mia’s room. As you can expect, the nurses aren’t happy and try to have Kim, Mia’s best friend, and Adam arrested by calling security. Willow comes in and saves the day not only by preventing them from getting written up and therefore saving the security guards paperwork, but by getting them in to see Mia.

Adam’s speech at the end of the book begging Mia to stay and live was heart-wrenching. He knows that her life is “fucked up” either way, and that he cannot do anything to fix it. He knows that her life is worth living and he cannot imagine her not being able to live the life she has planned. He acknowledges that their relationship has not been perfect, but that he loves her. He does not selfishly ask her to live for him, but rather says that if she lives, he will do whatever she wants. He’ll quit the band if she wants him to move to New York with her. He will leave her alone if seeing him is too painful. He does not want to make her decisions for her, for her to be able to live her life and be as happy as she possibly can be without her parents.

He puts headphones in her ears, and plays music by Yo Yo Ma, who they went to see in concert on their first date. It is not until this moment that she starts to see her life as it will be if she wakes up, details of her going to New York City, visiting three graves, being called an “orphan”, among other things.

I thought the description of how Mia comes to realize that she is no longer looking at herself from outside herself but actually experiencing the music from her physical body was kind of confusing the understand. She finally wakes up and manages, with all her might, to squeeze Adam’s hand. The author honestly had me believing that Mia would choose to die and that it was the best decision for her, so when she woke up and squeezes Adam’s hand, I was shocked.

The only part of the book that I did not like immediately was how it ended. The story ends with Mia squeezing Adam’s hand, him squeezing hers back, and him saying, “Mia?” in shock. That’s it. I thought this ending was strange and kind of left me wanting more. After letting the book sink in for twenty four hours, I like the ending more, but I still think that the book would have been better for me had there been more of Mia waking up and seeing Adam for the first time.

Instead, the story ended with Adam speaking.

Overall, I enjoyed this book. I ended up giving it 4/5 stars on Goodreads. It is a very easy read, being only 199 pages and very straightforward writing. The charactesr were enjoyable, although the shortness of the book made it kind of difficult to see deeper into their lives. I really liked the flask back aspect of the book, and how Gayle Forman convinced me that the unconventional feelings that Mia should pass on was actually the best idea for her and left me hanging until the very end of the book.

I read this book because I thought the story sounded interesting and I also want to see the movie when it comes out. After reading the book, I am excited to see the movie and hope that it sticks close to the book.