Diary of An Anxious Mind

I’d like to say that the soul-rescuing stare that my dog just gave me was his way of somehow saying “Please don’t read that book about a dying dog!” I’d like to have that sixth sense I just read about in The Art of Racing in the Rain, but the truth is I just don’t know. He might’ve been saying, “Please feed me more food even though I just spilled half my bowl on the floor” or “keep petting me please”. Maybe that’s the analytical part of my brain kicking in, or maybe it’s the anxious part: constantly coming up with multiple solutions to a problem and making it impossible to make a choice because every single one is plausible. I hate every single second of it. I’m always paralyzed by indecision and not wanting to make the wrong one that I never allow myself to make the right one. At least that’s what happens while I’m overthinking. Anxiety is a bitch.

It’s constantly causing me to over complicate situations that are not hard. "Should I text that person or should I wait. If I text them, what will they think of what I say? Will they think I’m annoying them?" The answer is usually all jumbled around in my overactive mind, so I (more times than I’d like to admit) put it off so long that we don’t talk for several days. Imagine what it’s like when I actually have to do something important like call the insurance company or apply for a job.

As I sit in the shower thinking about the frailty of life, especially the life of my dog, I’m willing myself not to cry. It seems like I’m doing that a lot lately. I recently burst into tears out of the blue at a small gathering because the subject of a shooting at my alma mater came into conversation. I hadn’t gotten emotional about it in a few days, and didn’t think I would this time. But for some reason, I found myself bursting into years in the span of about 2 seconds.  I’m not kidding. One second I was fine, the other I couldn’t talk for fear of crying. Then the next that fear came to life. I was crying in my aunt’s house about something I didn’t personally experience. I didn’t know the shooter or the victim. It was by my old apartment, 3 ½ hours away from my current location, but that’s the closest I got to it. It’s so weird how things can hit you during moments where you least expect it. I try not to think about the reasons I’m almost always on the verge of tears when something nice or slightly sad happens, so I focus on something else. I shove those emotions away because thinking about the causes of my emotional frailty makes me too anxious to function. That rabbit hole is something I will not allow myself to go down today. I’ll save it for another day when I have too much to do and can’t afford a breakdown. For today, I’ll go on blissfully ignoring anything that might cause me anything other than contentment.

Where Have I Been? (Mini Life Update About Inspiration)

Heyo!

It's been a looooong time since I've checked this page out! I have to say I kinda-sorta-maybe-definitely forgot about it for a while, but I'm back! I can't say I will remember to make posts very often, but I do plan on keeping this thing alive in some way, shape, or form for the foreseeable future. I have to say, I was blown away when I logged into the account and saw that the blog has over 500 views! That's so exciting, especially considering that I had about 150ish views when I last checked in. Thanks so much!

Ok, now to some business. I originally started this blog as a book blog where I was planning on posting updates on my reading as well as book reviews. I may still do that, but it will only be a part of the content. I plan on posting about many different subjects and how they relate to my life or what I've seen going on in the world around me (i.e.- personal experiences, seen in the news, YouTube topics, etc.). I think this will (hopefully) encourage me to post more because I won't feel so limited in my possible topics. I have so much that I want to say/write about that I sometimes get overwhelmed and feel like I can't do it because I don't want to be too long winded and get off on tangents. I'm going to try and make smaller posts on more specific topics. This post does not count in that goal.

 I have previously mentioned that I have created a YouTube channel, which I still have, and post videos on. Again, my schedule isn't quite worked out yet but I'm still planning on making new videos for a while. I really enjoy doing it (even though I'm very inexperienced) and it really got me thinking about what I want to do in the future. I really enjoy thinking up ideas of videos that I want to create, making them, editing them, and posting them online for people to see. I have yet to announce this fact to anyone in real life, but I'm working on getting to a point where I feel comfortable in doing so. Anyway, back to the whole "what am I gonna do with my life" conundrum.

As I said, I've really been enjoying making videos for YouTube. I've also really enjoyed watching YouTube videos created by vloggers such as Bunny Meyer (Grav3yardgirl), Zoe Sugg (Zoella), Tyler Oakley, Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart (MyHarto/YourHarto), Colleen Ballinger (Psychosoprano/Miranda Sings), Kingsley, Nick (stillsoundlyawake), Carrie Fletcher (ItsWayPastMyBedTime), Laci Green, Jenna Marbles, Tanya Burr, and many, many others that I just honestly don't feel like typing out at the moment. While watching these people, I've really gained a huge respect for what they do online and how they script, produce, film, edit, and basically overall produce really quality filled videos. I've also been inspired by these people because not only are they wonderful creators, but they are also using their platform (the internet) for good. Whether it be to make people laugh, feel included, or just spread positive messages, they do what they do because they love it and they care about the world around them.

People like Bunny and Zoe have really helped me feel like I'm not so alone with my anxiety and depression as I thought I was. I got into a really deep depression at the end of last year/beginning of this year and I really struggled with feeling alone in my misery. That sounds really cliche but it's true. Honestly, watching their vlogs and being able to not only listen to their stories and how they've coped but being able to put a face to the words and experiences really made me feel better.

Other people like Tyler Oakley, Hannah Hart, Laci Green, Carrie Fletcher, and many others have also helped me realize that it is okay to speak out about issues that are important to you and that you can really make a difference in someone's life just by putting your face and voice online. These people have such positive attitudes and are so frank about important issues that I just really felt inspired. I know that I have no idea  how these people are in real life, and I'm not trying to say that I worship them (which I don't), but I do appreciate the work that they put into their videos and the message that they send to their viewers.

Speaking of worshipping celebrities/well-known people, I think it's really important to note and realize that no one is perfect. The thing that I like about these YouTubers is that they're not afraid to admit that they're not perfect (but are still fabulous) and that it is OK. For a long time I was obsessed with being perfect in everything that I did, and I think that really took a toll on me. I wanted to be the best, the youngest, the smartest, the nicest, the prettiest, the cutest. Since graduating college in 2013, I've had to take a really hard look at myself and realize that those things are not possible, but I can still be happy and have a fulfilling life. It may sound crazy to say that these people that I've never met in my life and probably will never meet have influenced me so much, but I don't think it is. They are not the only thing that has helped me (things like therapy, finding the appropriate medication, actually listening to myself and what other people have to say on subjects like anxiety and depression, music, learning to accept and love myself despite the flaws are all contributing factors to my progress), but YouTube and the people who create to make viewers laugh and feel something good are a huge part of it. I'm so thankful that I saw a suggested video for Grav3yard girl earlier this year, otherwise I don't know how I would've gotten through these past 16 months.

Anyway, enough about my love of YouTube. My point in all of this is that I hope to be making more posts about life in general in the future because I have been inspired by all of these amazing people (and more) to pursue what I really want to do with my life: helping people, and making videos/movies. I want to work not only on myself but also help others in whatever they're struggling with. In the past almost year and a half since graduation, I've had to do a lot of soul searching. I've discovered interests I never thought I'd have. I've allowed myself to be interested and enjoy things I've always wanted to enjoy but was too scared to express myself. I've discovered new things I want to do with my life. Now I've just got to work on pursuing the dreams that I have and acknowledging that I have the ability to do so. There's nothing stopping me, and there's nothing stopping anyone reading this from doing what they want to do with their lives.

Thank you for reading this insanely long post and I truly believe great things are going to happen in the future.

<3 Sarah

Advice to Social Service Workers

There's been something going through my mind for the past several months that I just have to get out on some type of social media. That topic is social services and  its affect on the clients who use them. In my instance, I'm specifically talking bout voc rehab and advocacy. At times, it is really shameful for me to admit that I received my degree in social work. Before anyone has a heart attack, I don't mean that helping people is shameful. I went into this field because I wanted to help people. I still do. I've also been on the receiving end of social services for a while now. I get SSI and I got a lot of help with college tuition from OVR in PA. I even got driver training from them and they helped me get my license. I'm eternally grateful for these things. I truly am.

My frustration started with OVR in PA when I needed to get driving training. I remember asking my very first counselor if I could get driving lessons at college or during a summer break. They said no. It wasn't that big of a deal at the time because I was on campus and had friends with cars, so I could get around that way. As I moved through college, I started using the van service provided to students with disabilities, which OVR helped me with. Another thing I'm grateful for.

However, I needed to start a "pre-field" fall semester senior year. Now granted, I did start a little late, but it still took a ridiculous amount of time to get the services. I found out that if I moved my official address to school, I'd be able to get driver's training. I was ecstatic! I switched to the Erie office in maybe early August or late July. I met with my counselor that October. Then, due to miscommunication, nothing more happened until February-ish. Then by the time everything got approved, I actually started my lessons in mid-April. I did about 30 hours of training. My instructors were awesome. They completely worked with my hectic schedule and were awesome teachers. I love them. So I eventually ended up getting my license a week before graduation. It was a such a great feeling.

My original plan was to have my license by the time I started my internship in the spring, but that didn't happen. It was extremely stressful trying to figure out bus schedules and/or if I could get a ride from friends. That was just a fact of life, but it was still annoying. I can't tell you how many stories I have from those bus trips. The best one was on my very first day, but I'll get to that at a later post.

Since I didn't get my license until basically I was leaving the state, I couldn't get hand controls from PA.  I honestly didn't think it was going to be such a bummer for this to happen. Once I moved up to NY, I found out that I had to completely start over with my OVR case. I had to re-apply to the NY agency/branch/office or whatever it's called. I started that process in June 2013. I did everything I needed to do, like have several meetings before I could actually meet with my counselor. I got doctors to fill out paperwork. I got my car inspected. I got another driving evaluation because the one I got done in PA wasn't valid in NY. All relatively understandable, just mildly annoying. You know, the typical government-run drawn out processes. Anyway, even with the paperwork from PA, I had to get this evaluation done, which basically came with the same exact results.

Then came the waiting came of getting it approved. I was told by the woman who did my evaluation that ACCES-VR (the NY department of voc rehab) had 2 or 3 weeks to send out bids to vendors for hand controls and the vendors had 2-3 weeks to send their bids back and then ACCES-VR would choose a vendor and I could get my hand controls. In total, it was supposed to take at most 5 weeks from when the paperwork was submitted. I believe I got notified when the paperwork was submitted, and it didn't take that long. Then the results got sent to the Syracuse office for approval, which I got. I even got a personal call from the man who was looking over my case to talk about some adjustments that I would need/be taken off. That's the last I've really heart about a solid movement towards me getting my hand controls, and that was mid-December. From what I had been told, that should've meant that I got my hand controls in about 6 or so weeks. I was ecstatic, because 6 weeks was on the longer side.

Several weeks went by and I didn't hear anything from my counselor. Then, after emailing and calling my counselor several times, he emailed me mid-January telling me that the contracts with the vendors had expired on the 31st, aka 2 weeks prior. I was furious because this meant that it was pretty much put on hold. I sent a very strongly worded email to him relaying this anger, and he had the audacity to reply in a rude manner. I was so pissed.

Now 2 months have passed since the email and I still haven't heard anything. I tried emailing him a few weeks ago and he literally told me he hadn't heard anything since his last inquiry on 1/17/14.

This is where my advice starts. Don't EVER tell a client that you haven't done anything with their case, that YOU messed upon, in over a month. Ever. I cannot express this enough. I thought this was common sense, but apparently not. I can't believe he had the nerve to tell me that he hadn't done anything in a month like it was nothing.

I got some advice from friends to go through the Center for Disability Rights, which I did. I got hooked up with an advocate in almost half the time they said it would take. Then I needed a form that she said she would mail me the next day. She said to be patient with the mail because it supposedly was being slow. Well, slow it was. I didn't get anything for over 2 weeks. This wasn't a big package either. It was 2 pieces of paper in a regular envelope. I've had bigger things get to me from huge companies, regular shipping, in shorter times. I called this woman once to ask what I should do since I hadn't gotten it in a week or so, and she said to call her if I hadn't gotten it by that Monday. That was a Thursday or Friday. When it didn't come, I called. Got no answer. I called 2 or 3 more times that week and 1 or 2 times the next week. I heard nothing. I finally got the letter about 2 and a half weeks after it was supposedly sent. I sent it over a week ago and still haven't heard anything.

I just can't believe that an advocate is being this impossible to get in touch with. I've called her cell and office. When I called the main number, they didn't even know who I was talking about at first. Like, WTF? This is an ADVOCACY center.

I've struggled very much for the past several months with this situation. I've got people all over baffled as to why it's taking this long.

The worst part about all of this is that it feels terrible to feel like you're not being taken seriously or that they don't give flying &*$% about you or your life. It's like I'm not even a human being. My counselor knows the area that I live in and how rural and out of the way it is. Not to mention that it's been during the winter months so I can't even push the 2 miles to get to the library. I should probably mention that I've tried to contact my assemblyman several times and his assistants have been very avoidant. I could understand if I was being abrasive or rude, but I believe in the philosophy "kill them with kindness" and that's exactly what I've been doing.

I'll admit I haven't doing too much in the past week or so, but I'm just so tired of dealing with all of this shit. I try to be positive and think that every call is another step, but I'm marching in place at this point. Excuse me, it's like I'm moving side to side with no actual movement forward.

So now I'm gonna stop my soapbox. If you've read through until this point, congratulations! =P Seriously though, if you take nothing from this post, please remember that the people you are working with are real people who NEED your help. Don't treat them like a name on a piece of paper and leave their case file in a pile on your desk. You never know what's going on with them and how the waiting and rejection is truly affecting their lives. In my case, I haven't been able to work, go to school, or do anything independently. I've got generalized anxiety disorder coupled with depression and sitting at home with nothing to do all day really is not helping at all, never mind the feeling of being ignored and that I'm not worth helping. I've got a degree. I lived on my own for 4 years. I've provided for myself ever since I went to college, and now I'm reverted back to a child-like dependence on my parents because I'm not seen as a real person and it SUCKS.

<3 Poison

What's goin on people!?

Hey internet people!

I made part of a tag video for Youtube and uploaded it with the Youtube Capture app on my iPhone. But now when I go to look at it, it says there's only 53 seconds of video when it's really 16 minutes. Argh technology!

Anyway. So it's been a few days since I last blogged and I wanted to just check in and talk about what's been going on in my oh so wonderfully interesting life!

I've been having A LOT of trouble with voc. rehab ever since I moved up here and I'm in the process of working with a few different agencies/people to help me with my situation. However, I can't get ahold of my local assemblyman which is totally frustrating because the receptionist who I talk to when I call says she's going to look at his schedule and never does so yeah. That's frustrating. And now I'm hooked up with this advocate from the CAP program at the CDR in Rochester and they've been really good at getting back to me sooner than they said they would and giving me information that my voc rehab counselor just like neglected to give me. But I have to wait to get a waiver form in the mail so they can talk to my counselor and blah blah blah blah blah and it hasn't come yet so I'm like pacing my house waiting for this form to come (not really).

Oh and I emailed my counselor sometime last week asking for an update and he literally emailed me back today saying that as of 1/17/14 there's been no progress. As in, he hasn't made an inquiry in a month. Like, seriously? I don't know if any of you know what voc. rehab is, but it's a program that helps people with physical, cognitive, and emotional disabilities get employment and job training and basically anything that they need to be able to get and hold a job. In my case, the PA branch helped me with school/tuition and driving training and now I'm working on getting hand controls for my car in NY. I've been working with them since June (for the past 8 months) and recently hit a road block with the agency because their contracts with the vendors ran out and blah blah blah. Yeah. That's the last I heard from my counselor. Now onto the advocate. She told me that there has been some headway with the contracts and that basically there are all of these other services that I could be using right now that my counselor never told me about. He also basically misled me to think that I can only get help with one thing at a time which isn't true either, so they could be helping me with job searches and stuff like that while I wait for my hand controls. Needless to say, I was not happy at all with him when I found this out. Thank God for the advocate program because otherwise I'd seriously be screwed.

Anyway, the reasons I went into all of that is because I really felt like there was on progress being made and I was being ignored by voc rehab so I decided to think outside the box and reach out to other resources that may be able to help. Now, as you will probably learn, I seriously love Ellen DeGeneres. I watch her show every day and she is not only hilarious but she's such a kind person and always helps people with their problems. So I decided to write the show a letter on their site explaining my situation and asking for any kind of advice or help they may be able to give. I know people who write in usually write about other people and not themselves but I figured what the hay, I need to start advocating for myself more and getting comfortable with sharing my thoughts and story because I really want to be an advocate when I get my life straightened out. I literally almost just said when I grow up but I am grown up, seeing as I'm 23 and have a college degree. Ah scary freak out time. This is my scared spazzed out face.

Please excuse the weird lighting that is my hair part. I actually have hair on that part of my head and it's not a random bald spot.

Anywho, back to my story. I don't know if I'll hear anything, but even still, I'm glad I mustered up the courage to actually write to the show. Hopefully it works out!

That brings me to my next story of my life. Saturday morning (I sent the email Friday night) my dad woke me  up saying he needed to talk to me, which like never happens. So of course my immediate thought was "OMG ELLEN CALLED!" bahahahahahaha. Completely absurd, right? Turns out it wasn't that, but my mom dad telling me that my mom was in the emergency room and had driven herself there at 8:00 that morning while my dad was at work and I was sleeping. SN- I would've driven her had I actually been able to. I'm not that heartless. 

She said she woke up and was having weird chest pains so she drove herself to the ER. Everything ended up being fine though with her heart but they kept her for 6 hours because 2 of her blood tests levels were elevated. The one that has to do with her heart went down but the other one apparently indicates that she has pancreatitis. So now, after her follow-up appointment this morning, she has to go back to her doctor in a month to check it again I guess, which is pushing her foot surgery off even longer. It's just like one thing after another with this family. I don't even know. Is anyone else's family like this? Do any of you have like years where things just seem to keep happening? IDK. Let me know. 

But yeah that whole situation just didn't really sink in at all I guess because it was just so weird. I think part of it was that I had a really bad anxiety attack on Wednesday because of my bank account and yeah and things were just breaking and I didn't know how I was going to pay to fix them and it was just stressful. I was totally spazzed out about it for the next like 2 days and after I had finally calmed down, a day later this stuff with my mom happened and I couldn't really spaz out. I don't know how to explain it other than I think all my energy went into those 2 days of feeling like hell that I was just numb for the next few days. I guess it's a good thing because I wasn't freaking out and putting myself through hell, but still, I feel kinda heartless that I wasn't more worried. 

On a brighter note, only 35 days, 19 hours, and 24 minutes until the Demi Lovato concert!!! I'm so pumped I can't even tell you. I watched one video on Youtube of her singing Skyscraper in Vancouver but I don't want to watch anymore because I don't want to spoil it! But it looks BOMB from that one clip. Gah. I'm so excited. Yay. I'm starting to plan my outfits and hair and just yeah I'm super pumped. 

I'll probably check back in tomorrow to say hi.

Peace out girl scout,

Poison <3