Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Diary of An Anxious Mind

I’d like to say that the soul-rescuing stare that my dog just gave me was his way of somehow saying “Please don’t read that book about a dying dog!” I’d like to have that sixth sense I just read about in The Art of Racing in the Rain, but the truth is I just don’t know. He might’ve been saying, “Please feed me more food even though I just spilled half my bowl on the floor” or “keep petting me please”. Maybe that’s the analytical part of my brain kicking in, or maybe it’s the anxious part: constantly coming up with multiple solutions to a problem and making it impossible to make a choice because every single one is plausible. I hate every single second of it. I’m always paralyzed by indecision and not wanting to make the wrong one that I never allow myself to make the right one. At least that’s what happens while I’m overthinking. Anxiety is a bitch.

It’s constantly causing me to over complicate situations that are not hard. "Should I text that person or should I wait. If I text them, what will they think of what I say? Will they think I’m annoying them?" The answer is usually all jumbled around in my overactive mind, so I (more times than I’d like to admit) put it off so long that we don’t talk for several days. Imagine what it’s like when I actually have to do something important like call the insurance company or apply for a job.


As I sit in the shower thinking about the frailty of life, especially the life of my dog, I’m willing myself not to cry. It seems like I’m doing that a lot lately. I recently burst into tears out of the blue at a small gathering because the subject of a shooting at my alma mater came into conversation. I hadn’t gotten emotional about it in a few days, and didn’t think I would this time. But for some reason, I found myself bursting into years in the span of about 2 seconds.  I’m not kidding. One second I was fine, the other I couldn’t talk for fear of crying. Then the next that fear came to life. I was crying in my aunt’s house about something I didn’t personally experience. I didn’t know the shooter or the victim. It was by my old apartment, 3 ½ hours away from my current location, but that’s the closest I got to it. It’s so weird how things can hit you during moments where you least expect it. I try not to think about the reasons I’m almost always on the verge of tears when something nice or slightly sad happens, so I focus on something else. I shove those emotions away because thinking about the causes of my emotional frailty makes me too anxious to function. That rabbit hole is something I will not allow myself to go down today. I’ll save it for another day when I have too much to do and can’t afford a breakdown. For today, I’ll go on blissfully ignoring anything that might cause me anything other than contentment.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Where Have I Been? (Mini Life Update About Inspiration)

Heyo!

It's been a looooong time since I've checked this page out! I have to say I kinda-sorta-maybe-definitely forgot about it for a while, but I'm back! I can't say I will remember to make posts very often, but I do plan on keeping this thing alive in some way, shape, or form for the foreseeable future. I have to say, I was blown away when I logged into the account and saw that the blog has over 500 views! That's so exciting, especially considering that I had about 150ish views when I last checked in. Thanks so much!

Ok, now to some business. I originally started this blog as a book blog where I was planning on posting updates on my reading as well as book reviews. I may still do that, but it will only be a part of the content. I plan on posting about many different subjects and how they relate to my life or what I've seen going on in the world around me (i.e.- personal experiences, seen in the news, YouTube topics, etc.). I think this will (hopefully) encourage me to post more because I won't feel so limited in my possible topics. I have so much that I want to say/write about that I sometimes get overwhelmed and feel like I can't do it because I don't want to be too long winded and get off on tangents. I'm going to try and make smaller posts on more specific topics. This post does not count in that goal.

 I have previously mentioned that I have created a YouTube channel, which I still have, and post videos on. Again, my schedule isn't quite worked out yet but I'm still planning on making new videos for a while. I really enjoy doing it (even though I'm very inexperienced) and it really got me thinking about what I want to do in the future. I really enjoy thinking up ideas of videos that I want to create, making them, editing them, and posting them online for people to see. I have yet to announce this fact to anyone in real life, but I'm working on getting to a point where I feel comfortable in doing so. Anyway, back to the whole "what am I gonna do with my life" conundrum.

As I said, I've really been enjoying making videos for YouTube. I've also really enjoyed watching YouTube videos created by vloggers such as Bunny Meyer (Grav3yardgirl), Zoe Sugg (Zoella), Tyler Oakley, Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart (MyHarto/YourHarto), Colleen Ballinger (Psychosoprano/Miranda Sings), Kingsley, Nick (stillsoundlyawake), Carrie Fletcher (ItsWayPastMyBedTime), Laci Green, Jenna Marbles, Tanya Burr, and many, many others that I just honestly don't feel like typing out at the moment. While watching these people, I've really gained a huge respect for what they do online and how they script, produce, film, edit, and basically overall produce really quality filled videos. I've also been inspired by these people because not only are they wonderful creators, but they are also using their platform (the internet) for good. Whether it be to make people laugh, feel included, or just spread positive messages, they do what they do because they love it and they care about the world around them.

People like Bunny and Zoe have really helped me feel like I'm not so alone with my anxiety and depression as I thought I was. I got into a really deep depression at the end of last year/beginning of this year and I really struggled with feeling alone in my misery. That sounds really cliche but it's true. Honestly, watching their vlogs and being able to not only listen to their stories and how they've coped but being able to put a face to the words and experiences really made me feel better.

Other people like Tyler Oakley, Hannah Hart, Laci Green, Carrie Fletcher, and many others have also helped me realize that it is okay to speak out about issues that are important to you and that you can really make a difference in someone's life just by putting your face and voice online. These people have such positive attitudes and are so frank about important issues that I just really felt inspired. I know that I have no idea  how these people are in real life, and I'm not trying to say that I worship them (which I don't), but I do appreciate the work that they put into their videos and the message that they send to their viewers.

Speaking of worshipping celebrities/well-known people, I think it's really important to note and realize that no one is perfect. The thing that I like about these YouTubers is that they're not afraid to admit that they're not perfect (but are still fabulous) and that it is OK. For a long time I was obsessed with being perfect in everything that I did, and I think that really took a toll on me. I wanted to be the best, the youngest, the smartest, the nicest, the prettiest, the cutest. Since graduating college in 2013, I've had to take a really hard look at myself and realize that those things are not possible, but I can still be happy and have a fulfilling life. It may sound crazy to say that these people that I've never met in my life and probably will never meet have influenced me so much, but I don't think it is. They are not the only thing that has helped me (things like therapy, finding the appropriate medication, actually listening to myself and what other people have to say on subjects like anxiety and depression, music, learning to accept and love myself despite the flaws are all contributing factors to my progress), but YouTube and the people who create to make viewers laugh and feel something good are a huge part of it. I'm so thankful that I saw a suggested video for Grav3yard girl earlier this year, otherwise I don't know how I would've gotten through these past 16 months.

Anyway, enough about my love of YouTube. My point in all of this is that I hope to be making more posts about life in general in the future because I have been inspired by all of these amazing people (and more) to pursue what I really want to do with my life: helping people, and making videos/movies. I want to work not only on myself but also help others in whatever they're struggling with. In the past almost year and a half since graduation, I've had to do a lot of soul searching. I've discovered interests I never thought I'd have. I've allowed myself to be interested and enjoy things I've always wanted to enjoy but was too scared to express myself. I've discovered new things I want to do with my life. Now I've just got to work on pursuing the dreams that I have and acknowledging that I have the ability to do so. There's nothing stopping me, and there's nothing stopping anyone reading this from doing what they want to do with their lives.

Thank you for reading this insanely long post and I truly believe great things are going to happen in the future.

<3 Sarah

Friday, June 20, 2014

Review: If I Stay by Gayle Forman



Synopsis

Seventeen-year-old Mia is in love with classical music. She’s dating a boy no one ever thought would be interested in her. She lives with her mom, dad, and brother Teddy, until one day they decide to take a drive and tragedy strikes. Oregon has been stricken with what they believe is a horrendous snow storm: a light dusting. But it’s enough for local schools to be cancelled. The happy family is going to visit some friends when they are struck by a truck that is going 60 miles per hour. Mia wakes up, or at least she thinks she does, to find her parents have been killed. It’s not until she sees her own very gravely injured body that she realizes that she isn’t as lucky as she had thought.

The story follows Mia from the accident site to the hospital, where she is then helicoptered to another hospital, undergoes surgeries, and remains in the ICU. Teddy remains at the previous hospital, whereWillow, the woman who the family was going to visit, works as a nurse. It is unclear whether or not Teddy will survive, which is almost too much to bare for Mia after losing both of her parents. The story continues as Mia’s Gran and Gramps, other family members, best friend, and boyfriend all come to visit. Mia realizes that she is having an out-of-body experiences and that she is there to decide whether to continue on living without her family, or to die and possibly be reunited with them.

Thoughts

I thought this was a great book. Firstly, Mia’s family is what most people would call “alternative”, having a punkish background. Mia herself is labeled almost as the rebel of the family because she loves classical music and has chosen to play the cello instead of the guitar or drums, like her father does in his band. Despite these differences, Mia and her family are extremely close and it is easy to feel the love they have for each other.

About half of the story is flashbacks of Mia’s life, from stories about her birth, to the birth of her brother, to playing the cello, to meeting her boyfriend Adam. The reader gets a sense of why she loves the cello and how music has brought her family closer together as well as brought hero Adam.

Throughout the story, Mia has to first accept the choice that she must make, and then choose which path to take. At the beginning, I really wanted her to choose to live, but as the book went on, I could actually understand why she would choose to pass on and be with her family. She has to make the hardest decision of her life. Either choice not only leaves her with some advantages (seeing her parents and possibly her brother again vs seeing her boyfriend, friends, extended family, and living out her life) but with some pretty devastating consequences (not being able to live out her life vs. living as an orphan). I really felt for Mia because of these consequences. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose all of your family like she did, or the guilt that the truck driver now has to live with for the rest of his life.
On a lighter note, I thought Adam’s determination to see his girlfriend was very sweet. He obviously loves Mia very much and the reader can definitely see it in his desperation to see her. This also gives site to an issue that many loved ones have when faced with such a tragedy: who is allowed to see patients when they are in critical care? Should just the immediate family be allowed? Or should all loved ones, such as extended family, best friends, and significant others be allowed too? In this book, the former is enforced. It doesn’t seem fair, and you can feel the anguish that the others feel when not allowed to visit Mia.

SPOILERS!!!

After Mia has been in the ICU for several hours, Willow arrives at the hospital, thus letting Mia know that Teddy has passed away. This is understandably devastating for Mia, because as she says, he is extremely young and will never experience so many thing that she and other people have. This thought is almost too much for Mia to bare, and she becomes so distraught in her out-of-body state (I’m still not exactly sure what to call where or what she is) that she causes her physical self to deteriorate and need more surgery. After this, her mental state continues to decline and she resigns herself to the fact that she has decided to let herself go and be with her parents and Teddy. Her anguish at the unjustness of the whole affair was enough to convince me that this might actually be the best idea for her.

One of the things that convinces Mia that it is okay to die is the way her Gramps talks to her. He is not a very talkative person (as shown in multiple flashbacks), but when he visits her (alone), he tells her that it is okay if she wants to leave, and that he will understand. This scene almost  did me in, but I managed to keep it together, thankfully.

I really loved seeing the love that Mia’s friends have for her, especially the lengths they are willing to go to see her and help Adam see her. Her friends, as well as strangers, ban together to help Adam get into the ICU. Even though they use nonconventional tactics, the tactics are true to their punk rocker selves when one starts belting out a song and others form a wall around Adam and try to create a diversion so he can get in Mia’s room. As you can expect, the nurses aren’t happy and try to have Kim, Mia’s best friend, and Adam arrested by calling security. Willow comes in and saves the day not only by preventing them from getting written up and therefore saving the security guards paperwork, but by getting them in to see Mia.

Adam’s speech at the end of the book begging Mia to stay and live was heart-wrenching. He knows that her life is “fucked up” either way, and that he cannot do anything to fix it. He knows that her life is worth living and he cannot imagine her not being able to live the life she has planned. He acknowledges that their relationship has not been perfect, but that he loves her. He does not selfishly ask her to live for him, but rather says that if she lives, he will do whatever she wants. He’ll quit the band if she wants him to move to New York with her. He will leave her alone if seeing him is too painful. He does not want to make her decisions for her, for her to be able to live her life and be as happy as she possibly can be without her parents.

He puts headphones in her ears, and plays music by Yo Yo Ma, who they went to see in concert on their first date. It is not until this moment that she starts to see her life as it will be if she wakes up, details of her going to New York City, visiting three graves, being called an “orphan”, among other things.

I thought the description of how Mia comes to realize that she is no longer looking at herself from outside herself but actually experiencing the music from her physical body was kind of confusing the understand. She finally wakes up and manages, with all her might, to squeeze Adam’s hand. The author honestly had me believing that Mia would choose to die and that it was the best decision for her, so when she woke up and squeezes Adam’s hand, I was shocked.

The only part of the book that I did not like immediately was how it ended. The story ends with Mia squeezing Adam’s hand, him squeezing hers back, and him saying, “Mia?” in shock. That’s it. I thought this ending was strange and kind of left me wanting more. After letting the book sink in for twenty four hours, I like the ending more, but I still think that the book would have been better for me had there been more of Mia waking up and seeing Adam for the first time.
Instead, the story ended with Adam speaking.

Overall, I enjoyed this book. I ended up giving it 4/5 stars on Goodreads. It is a very easy read, being only 199 pages and very straightforward writing. The charactesr were enjoyable, although the shortness of the book made it kind of difficult to see deeper into their lives. I really liked the flask back aspect of the book, and how Gayle Forman convinced me that the unconventional feelings that Mia should pass on was actually the best idea for her and left me hanging until the very end of the book.

I read this book because I thought the story sounded interesting and I also want to see the movie when it comes out. After reading the book, I am excited to see the movie and hope that it sticks close to the book.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Mini Reading Update

Hola!

I don't have a lot of time to make a big update but I just wanted to check in give a small one for the read-a-thon.

I've been taking a more relaxed stance on this one so as not to stress myself out too much lol. So far I finished Allegiant by Veronica Roth (the feels… ugh) and am a little less than 200 pages away from finishing Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare and oh my God, am I loving it. There have been some pretty dull parts, but the twists are sooooo goooooodddd! I've actually also started Percy Jackson's The Lightning Thief, but that one's a slow goer because it's my read-in-the-car-while-waiting-for-people-to-finish-what-they're-doing book. I'm really liking it so far, definitely better than the movie. =S

<3 Sarah


Monday, June 9, 2014

Rachael Turns Pages Library Books Readathon

<a href="http://rachaelc94.blogspot.com/2014/04/library-books-readathon-anouncement-and.html" target="_blank"><img style="width: 200px;" src="<a href="http://s1269.photobucket.com/user/RachaelC94/media/LibraryReadathon2014_zps1ebc4cdf.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1269.photobucket.com/albums/jj595/RachaelC94/LibraryReadathon2014_zps1ebc4cdf.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo LibraryReadathon2014_zps1ebc4cdf.jpg"/></a>" /></a>


Hi guys! So I just happened to find out about this awesome read-a-thon literally at 12:30 this morning and let me tell you, it could not have come at a more perfect time because I went to the library last week and borrowed 12 books on top of the already 3 or 4 books that I had out at the time. The read-a-thon lasts from today, June 9th until June 16th.

I'm so excited to be participating in this read-a-thon! Here's a list of the library books that I currently have out. I know I most likely will not get to nearly all of them during the week, but I really hope to get through a nice chunk of them!


Books that I've already started before the read-a-thon:
Allegiant by Veronica Roth (as of the time I found out about the read-a-thon, I was on page 385)
Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare (as of the time I found out about the read-a-thon, I was on page 97)
Labor Day by Joyce Maynard (as of the time I found out about the read-a-thon, I was on page 77)


Now for the books that I have not started but want to get to soon:

Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare
The Shadowhunter's Codex by Cassandra Clare & Joshua Lewis
City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan
Delirium by Lauren Oliver
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
Guitar Notes by Mary Amato
Behind the Beautiful Forevers: life, death, and hope in a Mumbai under city  by Katherine Boo
Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz
Panic by Lauren Oliver
If I Stay by Gayle Foreman
Side Effects May Vary by Julie Murphy
The Casual Vacancy by J. K. Rowling

Like I said, it's a pretty insane list that's full of a large variety of books that I can't wait to dive into!

Happy reading!


Friday, May 23, 2014

Bout of Books 10.0 Wrap Up!

Hey guys! So I know this is pretty late, but I figured I'd do my wrap up from the Bout of Books 10.0 Read-a-Thon last week. I had a lot of fun reading! Since this was my first week-long read-a-thon, and second read-a-thon ever, I definitely think I can tweak some things to make the next read-a-thon easier. That being said, I really did enjoy myself and got a lot of reading done, so I'm happy with the overall experience =] Now onto the books! I came into the read-a-thon already reading two books (Cress & Nine Stories), and started more as the week went on. I didn't really stick to my TBR list. I'm going to try and make this as understandable as possible, but I may just even confuse myself! ;P



Books Read:

Cress by Marissa Meyer: 332 (had previously read up to page 218/550, finished on Day 3)
Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger: 131 (had previously read up to page 78/209, finished on Day 2)
The Wonderful Land of Oz by L. Frank Baum (Includes The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, The Land of Oz, and Ozma of Oz): 637/761 (finished the first two books)
An Abundance of Katherines by John Green: 225/225 (finished on Day 6)
I Heard That Song Before by Mary Higgins Clark: 37/480
An Expotition to the North Pole by A. A. Milne: 27/27

I hope this makes sense! It doesn't seem like I finished that many books, but I sure did experience a whole bunch. 

Total pages read: 1389
Books Completed: 6
Books Started: 2





Friday, May 16, 2014

Day #5 Update ( aka the slacker update)

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Slacker. Just call me a slacker. More like an update slacker but still. 

I'm just going to do a quick update because I want to get back to reading, but here is my progress so far. It's just an overall progress because I'm sure I documented my daily progress somewhere but don't really feel like locating it at this time. So yeah. Anyway, here it goes:

Pages read: 996 .. that's slightly disappointing. Just short of 1,000. Comeon.
Books Completed: 1. Started before Bout of Books: 2
2. Started After Bout of Books: 2

Books Experienced:
Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger
Cress by Marissa Meyer
The Wonderful Land of Oz by L. Frank Baum
a. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
b. The Land of Oz by L. Frank Baum

In Progress:
I've Heard That Song Before by Mary Higgins Clark (page 46/480)

Books to Start:
An Abundance of Katherines by John Green
Ozma of Oz by L. Frankn Baum
Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare

I'm going to try and get through my "In Progress" book by Sunday night as well as the book by the wonderful Mr. John Green. We'll see how that goes. Oh and I also want to finish the last Oz book in this collection because there are three books in one big book if that makes any sense. Yeah.

Happy reading! <3